Upon the Cross – A Ghazal in Two Versions
Last Thursday at dVerse Poets Pub‘s Form For All Samuel Peralta taught us about the ghazal form of poetry. I wrote one for linking up there on Thursday and I liked the form so much I decided to write another. This one has 6 couplets, so it’s still not the ghazal sonnet that Samuel wrote about and gave an example of. My first version also has no set meter, but I decided to do a second version cutting it to have 8 syllables per line, trying for some semblance of meter. I suspect my meter still isn’t perfect, though, as I have a hard time with this concept. I can count syllables, but I know there is more to meter than that. The idea of stressed and non-stressed syllables simply escapes me.
I also didn’t end these with my name in the last line. Anyway, I would be interested to know which version readers think works better and why.
Upon the Cross – Version 1
Bloody and bruised, ringed by thorns
I gaze up to Your lovely face upon the cross
Forgiveness for mockers and spear wielder
to all the same Your grace upon the cross
There I should be, my punishment
Your mercy took my place upon the cross
Running, running fast to the finish line
but You already won the race upon the cross
I’m always two strides behind the lead
but You, for me, kept the pace upon the cross
My guilt and shame by love replaced
so that now there is no trace upon the cross
Upon the Cross – Version 2
Bloody and bruised, brow ringed by thorns
Your lovely face upon the cross
Forgiveness for the mockers
to all Your grace upon the cross
There I should be, my punishment
You took my place upon the cross
Running fast to the finish line
You won the race upon the cross
Always two strides behind the lead
but You keep pace upon the cross
My guilt and shame by love replaced
there is no trace upon the cross
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These are so well done. They give my heart a lift and I really can’t pick a favorite. They are just so special. I am going to be keeping them some place special.
Beautiful…but I just love words and am not so good at the details.
The cross is a strong symbol. It has so many meaning to people. My Father wore a cross around his neck all of his life and now I wear it on mine. Thank you so much for sharing this. http://gatelesspassage.com/2013/02/02/reflections/
The cross is one story that will bring to my knees if I give it enough thought. Great words. Nicely done.
i rather like he second one actually…i like the pace on the cross, trace on the cross…they play well together…i am glad you tried the form again as well as i thinkit is made for spiritual themes….
Honestly…I think both are fantastic…commentators above have named the differences I noted as well…and not willing to play favorites 😉 A form a enjoy playing with too…which is rather odd! 😀
Thanks for sharing, Linda
I like em!
The first one has a more personal feel to it. Makes me feel special and valued, that He took my place upon the cross.
The second one makes me want to add music and sing my worship to God. 🙂
I choose both! 🙂 🙂
Blessings,
ann
Ann, 🙂 What a nice comment! Did you read Deb’s comment first? Because she said the same thing about the first one seeming more personal. The first was what came from my heart without thinking about strict form. I would love to hear the music you would put the second one to. 🙂 Peace, Linda
Most welcome, Linda,
I smiled when I read the comment from Deb after mine went through 🙂
One of these days when life settles down … 😉
Blessings
ann
Oh Linda . . do I have to pick a favorite version? haha! There was something really special about the first one, that I loved . ..and I can’t put my finger on it. Then the second one, more pared down . .. well, I loved that too. I think the first one felt more personal to me, drew me in that way. Thank you for sharing your poems with us! So blessed by this one! God bless you!
Deb, You are so sweet. 🙂 Of course you don’t have to pick a favorite, but I appreciate the input that the first seems more personal. It was really based on what I was feeling and thinking. The second was based on trying to fit a set structure, which I think is harder to do and keep the underlying feeling. Thanks for your thoughts and encouragement. Peace, Linda
The form works really well for spiritual themes, doesn’t it?
Yes, I think it does. 🙂 Peace, Linda