Not Better Off Dead – A Poem

The Poetics prompt at dVerse Poets Pub today is to write about a first time for something. I thought of something that I have only done once, and am thankful I’ve never had happen again. But there are people who have had this happen so many times they maybe can’t even remember the first time. My prayers are with them, my hope that they recognize the lie.

Not Better Off Dead

Clearly I recall the first time
the thought entered my mind
They’d be better off if I was dead

I immediately knew it was wrong
but still a method to my madness
began to form in the recesses of
my deeply troubled mind

I could picture the bottle of pills
designed to make me better
but could just as easily
be my demise

Then they’d be free, I’d be free

The Psalmist wrote
The angel of the LORD encamps around
those who fear him, and he delivers them

That first time His angel
was encamped around me

He delivered me from that first thought
made me know it was wrong
ensured it was the last time
that thought ever entered my mind

Now we are free and together
because the Lord let me know
I was not better off dead

I am a Jesus Freak, and I don't care who knows it. I am a wife, mother, sister, aunt, daughter, and friend. My blood family is only part of the larger family of Christ that I belong to. I love to write, especially about my dear Savior.


12 Responses

  1. Although many times, it’s easier to think that things would be easier if one doesn’t exist, it’s probably better to be alive and be able to act, a chance to do something rather than simply stopping and not existing. It’s actually worse on those we leave behind, not better. Took a while for me to learn this too. Thank you for sharing this personal and felt piece.

  2. This is extra precious to me, having been there twice. So thankful that He kept you, LInda ., so thankful. I didn’t know Him at the time, but He knew me, like He knew you and refused to let that lie continue growing.
    love and hugs and thanks . . .and God bless you as you minister to us!

    • Deb, As I wrote this I was thinking it would be a good poem to share at Broken Believers. There are many who need to know that the thought that the world would be better without them is a lie. I’m so thankful that He saved you from that lie and that now you know how special and important you are. Peace, Linda

  3. oy…glad you did not succumb to the madness…i have been there…its a rough place when you get to that point…luckily there are some saved from that place….

  4. Really want to thank you for sharing something so personal. Although, I’ve never gone to such lengths, I have to say my life’s not all it could be right now, and I take a lot of medicines, some of which, easily could do me in. I have so many requirements that need to be met, well, probably not as bad as the single line here makes it sound, but there is definitely some leeway necessary with those around me, and although I understand they care, they snap out of frustration and being in a bad place, all minor things that are not positive, just makes you feel as if it’s piling on, and yeah, that feeling of I’d be better off, they’d be better off without me and the burdens I create around, definitely appear. But thankfully I’ve never even thought to act on such thoughts, and glad you wrote this piece, and glad the attempt didn’t work out as intended. I love the part about the angel, as I also have felt presences to help on some of the worst days, the ones were you are tempted to take an extra pill or two, simply because one just isn’t getting the job done, and the presence calms you somehow, oftentimes guiding you to sleep, where when you awake, miraculously the pain is not as it was.

    Again, reading this reply, makes my situation sound terrible, it’s not ideal, but I am functional, just with asterisks. Just thought your heartfelt share deserved a proper heartfelt one in return. Thanks again, so much for sharing here.

    • I do appreciate the heartfelt comment. This was a hard poem to write, and there are many things left out, but I’m glad that it was a source of encouragement to you. That is what it was intended to be. When medically and emotionally we are not well, it is easy to think that those around us would be better of if we weren’t there. In retrospect, though, I know that my son (who was only 1 year old at the time) would not have been better off without me to encourage and teach him. I pray that God will continue to encamp His angels about you and those you love to help you through the struggles of this life. Peace, Linda

  5. Frightening, Linda. Glad that you found out before it was too late. Life IS precious. No one truly is better off if someone in their life is dead; but, of course, you know that now.

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