Impossible Madness

Why does it feel like I’ve lost you
when you aren’t even dead?

Why am I the only one
who wants to make amends?

Why does it have to be so hard
after all these years?

Maybe it’s the tears
mine and yours, and theirs,
that makes breathing and living
loving and forgiving so impossible

I guess sometimes families and madness
can’t survive one another

Because that’s what you are, you know,
mad, or crazy, or mentally ill
whatever you want to call it

It’s torn us apart
because you don’t understand
why they can’t begin to comprehend
what’s going on inside your head

It’s torn us—you and me—apart
because you’ve convinced yourself
that I don’t at all understand
what’s going on inside your head

You forget I’ve been there
that those crazy, mad thoughts
have been inside my head, too

But then you’ve forgotten a lot of things
all the times I was there for you
just to listen
and the times you were there for me

My greatest desire is to forgive
and to be forgiven
to live and laugh and love again
to mend what has been torn asunder
to heal the thoughts inside your head

But right now, in this moment
it feels like you might as well be dead
at least that would be easier to live with

I am a Jesus Freak, and I don't care who knows it. I am a wife, mother, sister, aunt, daughter, and friend. My blood family is only part of the larger family of Christ that I belong to. I love to write, especially about my dear Savior.


14 Responses

  1. I know this exact feeling. I’m going through it right now, actually, with someone who I thought was a pillar in my life. It feels like that person is now gone, though… Depression makes people selfish, it isn’t anything you’ve done. But it’s still very painful to see a relationship that has stood so strong for so long can come crashing down in an instant… I hope writing this was therapeutic for you. It was therapeutic for me just reading it.

  2. I have a dear friend who is there, right now. I ache to help her, but only perseverance will get her through. Life awaits on the other side.

  3. That’s a tough situation to be in ~ I can imagine the challenges to understand the madness, listen & be there for the person ~

  4. I understand the feeling, Linda. It, unfortunately, is not possible to ‘mend what has been torn asunder’ if the other person is not willing to. Hopefully things will change in time….but…sometimes they just don’t, and there is nothing that one can do about it. Sad.

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