Words Lurk
Another dVerse challenge I couldn’t resist. Victoria has called us to action, to use verbs to improve our poetry. She suggested taking an older poem and rewriting it to replace any tired “to be” verbs with action verbs. I took an extremely old one of mine, from before I posted a single blog post, and spruced it up a bit.
Words Lurk
Words hole up in my pen
only ink
Words lurk in dark recesses
of my mind
I wrestle with sleep
as words swirl and dance
playing word games
The sun arises, beams into my room
I struggle to recall and record the dance
The words hide, again
in the dark recesses
like the hole-in-the-wall gang
They desire freedom
to live in the light
yet fear entraps them
What will others think
if they reveal their dance?
In lines and curves of black
shining on the glaring white?
Lingering but in darkness
remains safer
And here is the original for comparison:
Words That Hide
Words are hiding in the ink
deep within my pen
Words are hiding in the dark
deep within my mind
I know they are there
because I see them when I try to sleep
They run around in circles
Playing their word games
And keeping me awake
But when the sun comes up
and I try to write them down
They hide again within my pen
and deep within my mind
In the dark within my mind
I know they want to come out and play
But they are afraid
At night in bed they feel safe
Playing in my mind
What will others think of them
If they play upon a page?
In lines and curves of black
Shining on the glaring white
It seems much safer just to hide
Within my pen
Within my mind
In the dark within my mind
Share this:
“I wrestle with sleep
as words swirl and dance
playing word games”
Beautifully done this one – Linda. I love it in the new form.
loved the holing and lurking of words… strong write, Linda :))
I really liked both the poems, Linda! 🙂 But, great verb use in the rewrite! God bless you!
I find the revision has a better flow to it; it’s amazing how using more verbs brings a poem more to life..more than some adjectives 😉
Yes, I found this lesson of Victoria’s to be quite eye opening.
Enjoyed both poems very much…it is sometimes frightening to let those words out of the pen…
Well done.
Really wonderful – the newly revised version is so much stronger, clearer –
I think this is one of the more remarkable ones as far as improving an existing poem with verbs. Bravo. And I so relate to those words that swirl and dance. I have some right now that seem to reverberate–names from a novel set in Africa by Alexander McCall Smith.
Words lurk…..I like that and how they hide from us. Your revision is so clear and to the point yet it isn’t sparse or lacking detail. I like how they hide like the hole-in-the-wall-gang. That fits in so well with your other imagery.
Wow, Linda….what a change from the original to the one you posted today. Much crisper, I think. Points made well without belaboring them. I was struck by your ending. Yes, lingering in darkness might be safer…but it safety always what is best? Hmmmm.
I think you have used the technique to really make it so clear that struggle to get the devious words to come forth.. the verb lurk actually make a lot of difference
The hidden words of dream do sing.. in the twilight of morning between dark and light.. ah.. to let it flow.. to just go.. with the rhythm of now.. and no longer time.. digging deeper where subconscious and conscious mind flow become one and tirelessly alive in now.. the spirit of creativity is a wondrous way.. of living without knowing and knowing without living in direction of life..:)
strong verbs !